Dear Mr. and Mrs. North and South America and all the ships at sea. . .
It was a cold day in April and the clocks were striking thirteen. . .
It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. . .
We the people. . .how do I start this properly? How to convey the gravitas of what happened?
They call me Ishmael.
That’s ridiculous!
Wait!
Here goes!
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, during a time when people didn’t have to wear masks any more, there was finally another PNA Championship Meet.
I’m not kidding.
It finally happened.
And it was like a fairy tale.
Magical.
But it wasn’t in a land far, far away. It was right there in our own back yard at the King County Aquatic Center in Federal Way.
A huge thanks goes out to Blue Wave Aquatics for hosting this meet. And Steven Freeborn, the Meet Director, was all over the place. Indefatigable! And to Meet Referee Mike Murphy and all the Judges and the timers and the volunteers from the lifeguards to the Tech people and beyond; our warmest and sincerest gratitude. Well done!
You know, to write a story that people want to read and will remember, it’s nice to be inspired by seeing something you don’t want to forget. It makes the writing almost intoxicating; reliving what happened minute by minute. That’s how it is here.
So let me relive it one more time.
A quick warning; if you’re triskaidekaphobic, read no further. . .because as it turned out, we had exactly 13 athletes that shared in this event.
And now, historically, there’s one less meet to swim. To my TWIM sisters and brothers that I battled alongside; wasn’t that a nice jeweled cup we drank from? And wasn’t it delicious?
The whole affair started inauspiciously enough; instead of a rendering of the Star Spangled Banner we all rose and said the Pledge of Allegiance. I think the last time I did that I was in fourth grade.
And then who, of all people, should lead us into the fray but the Chairman of the Board. Yes, ol’ Blood and Guts Walker was 1st in the water. He’s just off an age-up so the pickin’s were ripe for him. And did he deliver. Sure, it wasn’t without some bloodletting but one does what one must. Seriously, he exited the pool after his 1000 free and his leg is gushing blood. Into the infirmary for a quick transfusion and stitches and he was back on the block for his next event. Ok, I might be embellishing a tad there. I mean, if you believe everything I say you might think Kathy Pelham’s husband is off to the Middle East, or that you can wear a TWIM sweatshirt to the airport and end up flying first class outta there because you know the Divine Ms. W. Or that Maoz was actually there for the meet (I saw and talked to his doppelgänger). So, sure, I bend the truth just a smidge occasionally. But never when it comes to the performances of our athletes. There, nothing is needed to enhance what naturally occurs in the water. And speaking of those performances let me get back to the Chairman. Four new team records! His 1000 free was an All-Time top 12 swim for the PNA (9th). And his 200 breast was also an All-Time top 12 (also 9th). He won the 1000 and the 100 IM while registering 2nds in the 50 breast and 200 breast.
And then there was Holly. She’s coming off NW Zones which took place just a weekend before, down in Oregon. There she went off the charts, assaulting the PNA All-Time top twelve repeatedly. 4th all time in the 50 Fly (a mere .05 seconds out of 3rd!). 7th All time in the 100 free. 8th all time in the 50 breast. 7th All time in the 200 IM. And 7th all time in the 200 breast. Yes, I know I’m repeating myself constantly when I say “All-time”! But it bears repeating. She’s been in rarefied air lately. But all that at 1 meet!? Are you kidding me!? In the words of the late, great R. Wayne Penniman, “Good Golly, Ms. Holly!!” What can one do for an encore at this meet? How about lowering that 50 breast TWIM record by .42 seconds while climbing to 5th All Time! And she won the 100 breast while setting a new TWIM record there and shoving her way into 7th All-Time! And she won the 100 IM, breaking 1:10 (1:09.24) in the process, again setting a new team record and marking up 7th on the All-Time PNA list. With her 200 free win she brought home 4 gold (which does not include the two relays she swam in; it might’ve been 3). See, I don’t need to embellish!
Colleen Wahlstrom was there! And she left quite a mark of her own on the competition. Her 50 fly time was the SECOND fastest ever swam in the PNA! Wow! Her 26.39 50 free was 6th fastest PNA All-Time but just three one hundredths of a second out of 4th! And her 58.27 100 free was sixth All-Time. And she swam the relays. All new team records!! Could you please pass me some more exclamation points? Oh, yeah. It has come to my attention that we have the most amazing 45-49 year old gals IN THE NATION!! Colleen puts the exclamation points on that. Wait until Tammy K returns.
WHAT!? Tammy K is returning!? There was a Tammy K sighting at the meet?! In fact, look closely at the team picture. There she is, right where she should be. Felt like a family reunion. Anyway, she alluded to the point that it very well could be “sooner” rather than “later”. Other than that, I know nothing. Nothing!
Candace Jacobs swam the 50 free, 50 fly and a relay. And that 50 free came close to being a new TWIM record. A record owned by Elizabeth Kassen. So you know this gal is fast. A second and a first. Not bad. Hey! This special gal is soon to be married. Sounds like December. Funny story; I was asking her about her adult orthodontics and she confided in me (so its just between us) that she has a slight malocclusion (HIPPA violation) and that when she was proposed to, the thought of marriage, tho’ she adores her “soon to be”, caused her to grind her teeth a bit. So, as she put it, “I had to either get braces and fix my malocclusion or not get married. So I saw an Orthodontist.” That’s priceless!
Kathy Pelham! What does a mother of 3 kids do in the spare time she doesn’t have? Board member, elite swimmer, amazing mom and irreplaceable wife. How does she do it? She finds a way. She’s TWIM through and through! Not only did she win the 500 and 1000 frees but she swam 3 relays AND was the one that pulled coaching duties regarding those relays. Incredible, dependable, unflappable, resourceful; and that’s just what it takes for her to get TO the meet.
Bob “Roger” Moore, alias 007, got his second tune-up out of the way; next stop nationals. I wish I could tune-up like he does. He registered top twelve All-Time swims in the 100 back (9th) and the 200 back (7th). That 200 back swim was especially nice as he went 2:27 and change. Anytime you’re within 8 seconds of Carl you’re in elite company. For good measure he sprinted to a gold and a 1:11.05 in the 100 IM, dropping 2.40 seconds from last month’s meet at Western. Oh yeah, and he swam on 2 gold medal relays. Watch out San Antonio.
The Velvet Fogg was also down Oregon way last week, laying waste to the competition. His 200 Fly was 2nd All time for PNA swimmers. His 400 IM 3rd All time. And his 500 free 6th. The only reason why I’m not mentioning his 100 and 200 backstroke races from zones is because he’s already way up the All Time charts there and did not break his own personal best (close though!). At this meet he chopped another 5.23 seconds off his already crazy-fast 200 fly. He also went wild in the 200 IM breaking his own personal best by 1.16 seconds (4th All-Time). He also swam the 50 back which was 5th on the All-Time list. Three swims and 3 new TWIM records. Also 2 first place relays! What is he going to do for an encore at Nationals!? I can’t wait to see. Just make sure you watch what you eat down there. I think he’s bringing his own chef after last weekend.
2021 Kassen Award co-winner Brent Barnes was also one who represented TWIM last weekend at Zones. He had the swim of the day, I thought. Just last weekend he went 15:52+ in the 1000 free while setting a new team record. So what did he do at PNAs? He crushed it. And I mean crushed it! Busted it by 24 seconds! Really nice 2nd place in the 200 free too. He also threw in a nice 100 free and then swam 2 relays!
Iron Man Dan was there. It wouldn’t be a meet without him. How many events was he in? I lost track at 8! He was in Oregon as well, last weekend. There were a lot of similarities between the two meets for him. Three firsts down there; four up here. Broke the TWIM 200 breast record down there, rebroke it (by 3 seconds!) up here and threw in a new team record in the 400 IM for good measure. He might’ve swam 3 relays; there weren’t any limitations on the number you could swim so heck, he might still be there. I have to admit that the high point of the meet statistically, for me, was salvaging one win against him in the four events we went head to head in. He’s an animal. Before the meet started, after warm-ups, I overheard him talking to a teammate. I can’t remember who but it was about an extreme competition to be held on the Gold Coast of Australia, a popular tourist destination in the East. He said they run 8oo meters in every stroke, individually, as their top distance events. At which point he said, “Can you imagine 16 long course laps of fly!?” To which I reminded him that he swims Mercer Island; like, isn’t that enough!? To which, and I shoulda seen it coming, he replied, “Well, that’s only one lap!” Priceless.
This guy was High Point Trophy winner for TWIM (56 points!!).
Dave Scott didn’t break any records but that’s because he follows Carl Haynie through the age groups. Dave is Max Plank to Carl’s Albert Einstein, Dmitri Mendeleev to Alfred Nobel, Alfred Wallace to Charles Darwin, Robin Backhaus to Mark Spitz. Mr. Scott puts up an All-Time PNA 5th best 200 breast swim at the Oregon Zone meet and all he hears from the TWIM record book is crickets. So did he care? Doesn’t appear so. For this meet he just went out and one-upped himself! He cut almost THREE seconds off the time from just a week ago! And now he’s sitting pretty at #3 All-Time PNA!! Yeah. I might take that over a team record. His 100 breast made top 10 all time and with his 50 breast he contributed two seconds and a third to the cause. Oh, and a relay!
I should’ve checked the seating arrangement before the meet one last time but failed to do so. Nevertheless, in the TWIM spirit, it did not matter that Tom Elliot went to the University of Michigan and Kathy Pelham went to Michigan State and they were seated relatively close to one another. Tom was indispensable on one of the relays and he grabbed two silvers, one in the 50 free and one in the 50 fly. That fly swim was a new TWIM record, by the way. This guy’s a nut! I think he was one of the Medics involved in the administration of First Aid to Mr. Chairman. Well played!
And then there was Carl. Mr. Reliable. Sandy Koufax in his prime. Lionel Messier in his prime. Phelps. Spitz. Weissmuller. Sorry! No movie contracts or TV deals. Just keep winning’, baby! Four events and four gold. All the backstroke events, at least 2 relays, and he threw in the 100 fly. Because he could. He did nothing to supplant previous Top Twelve positions (anywhere from third to eighth) but that doesn’t mean he didn’t go fast. Hey Carl! When you swim backstroke are you going forward on your back or are you swimming backwards?! It doesn’t matter! Just win, baby! And just remember that I have a bird on my list that you’re gonna have to go to Africa for sometime in your life.
And then yours truly doing his best to impersonate an athlete, just so I could experience what its like to rub elbows with this bunch. Seven events, six individual and one relay. A first, three seconds and three thirds. Touched a guy out for third in the 200 free by 0.27 seconds. And beat Ironman Dan in one of my races. Oh, and I saw the Maoz doppelgänger. It was early. Just before warmups. This guy walks up and he stops where a bunch of us were blocking the aisle. I just thought Maoz had aged 7-8 years since I saw him last November. I went up and talked to him. Asked him about what I wrote about his son in the last blog and if his son had read it. He acted like he understood. Then some people came and he was gone. When I heard Maoz had scratched and hadn’t made it there, I was very confused. I saw the same guy later and told him of my vision and we both laughed about it. Priceless.
Jeez, it was an uphill battle as we were outgunned in numbers but we did real good to field 13; after COVID gutted us like a fish. Second in the medium team division behind host Blue Wave. Hey, we might’ve gotten homered. I want a recount! Not really! And we were 58 ahead of third place Snohomish. All in all it was magical. And for me, every meet is special. Brad Pitt’s Achilles’ quote in Troy; words to live by. “The Gods envy us. They envy us because we’re mortal. Because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we’re doomed.” Enjoy every moment because you never know. Drink from the gilded cup. Share the drink. Pass it around. And remember every second!
Priceless!
