What motivates me to swim?…
For the past 35 years, I have swum to improve my times, to race, and to excel at meets. I loved racing and the excitement of competition. I trained countless hours every week to become a faster, more efficient 200 butterflier and I enjoyed every second of the daily grind and pushing my body and mind to the limits!
Training and racing for me though has looked a lot different for the past 1.5 years. For the first time in my entire long swimming career, I was completely off from training and competition. I used to believe that athletes were immune to experiencing trauma, but life has a way of teaching how fragile we really are. Life throws boulders sometimes and as athletes we know how to train and race very well, but we forget that we are still human and are not insulated from these boulders. When life gives us hurdles, it is how we navigate through the storm and rise above to overcome the obstacles which test us physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have discovered that handling a life trauma requires the same dedication, perseverance, work ethic, grit, focus, trust in oneself, determination, and commitment that I share with my beloved swimming and training routine.
After being off from swimming for 1.5 years, I didn’t recognize myself and I had lost who I was. In walking through a trauma, I lost my identity and my health had significantly declined. Sadly, I realized that I was about to lose the sport that I loved. I was in a dark, low, and rough place mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Swimming for me has always been my sanctuary and where I feel inner peace. I knew that to get ME back I needed to get back in the water. I also knew that it was going to be a long, hard, and challenging road back. I wasn’t returning to swimming because of times or racing. I was returning to swimming because the water is where I feel at home, safe, strong, grounded, and confident. I needed to shift my purpose for swimming, because I knew that the sport that I loved so much would help heal me from my trauma; and would allow me to do the inner work that was necessary to regain my whole self. My purpose for swimming rose above times and racing.
I was nervous on my first day back to the water, I felt like a child going to the pool for the first time. I tried to prepare myself mentally, I had no expectations for how I was going to swim. I knew though that I was going to swim for a greater cause and purpose now, to rebuild and save MYSELF.
On my first practice, I wasn’t able to do my beloved butterfly stroke because of lack of strength and endurance which was tough for me to mentally accept. Butterfly has always been my primary, strong stroke. It felt very overwhelming and daunting for me to accept how out of shape I was and how hard and taxing it would be to get back to racing level. I had trust in myself that deep within me I would find the “Old Me” and that I would be able to come back with a renewed spirit, devotion, courage, and drive. I turned my attention to the present; I have nothing to prove to anyone. I reminded myself of the WHY I was swimming. I reminded myself to be proud that I had returned to my training, and most of all I reminded myself to be patient and kind with the process.
I came back to the water day after day, and I slowly was able to do dolphin dives which made me chuckle because it was the beginning of the return of my beloved butterfly stroke. My feel for the water and rhythm slowly returned and I felt comfortable with my stroke. I felt one with the water again. I learned to appreciate my progress and treasure my strength, endurance, and flexibility that I had taken for granted over the many years.
I also loved reconnecting with my swimming family and feeling a part of the swimming community that I have helped build. Gradually, the dolphin dives transformed into MY butterfly stroke, and I then knew that I WAS BACK!
As I swim butterfly now, I think back to where I started and how I got here. I have learned a great deal by going through this process and I have a better appreciation to value and guard my heart, soul, body, and mind because everything I do flows from them. I am the athlete that I am because I swim for a deeper, greater purpose which will carry me through the rest of my athletic career.
The human mind is exceptionally powerful and adaptable. I have a great deal of respect and admiration for the capabilities of my mind whether it is to withstand grueling training, racing with all my heart and soul, or to withstand the storm of a trauma.
Swimming is so much more than times and racing. Swimming is where I find myself, my soul, my heart, and build my inner strength and confidence. My Mom would repeatedly tell me during the 1.5 years off, “Erin, your swimming will always be there for you because it is a loyal friend, it is a part of you that will stand by and wait for you even in hard times.”
My Mom was right, swimming did wait for me, and I found my way back home. When I return to racing this year, I will look back on my journey and I will thank my Faith, Family, and the Love for my sport that was always here for me which helped guide my path home! Life is truly a journey that makes us stronger and become a better person and athlete!
Cheers to Hope, Health, Strength, Wisdom, and Inner Peace!!!
— Erin
